FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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