I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
