Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
