Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize