Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
