i don't like sucking hair
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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