I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
