Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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