any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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