dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize