I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
