Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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