dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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