Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
