he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
