I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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