I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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