If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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