we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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