He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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