My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
