Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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