Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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