so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
