he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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