Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize