so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I wear drunk well.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
