it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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