best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
