I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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