your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
