I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
