woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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