Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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