Pregnant stripper...not hot.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
