1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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