i jhust puked up my retainher.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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