Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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