I wanna bring you to show and tell
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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