there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
