My liver just broke up with me...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
