is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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