dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
