Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
