I heard we made out
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
