When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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