I wanna bring you to show and tell
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
