Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
