anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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