Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
