took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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