I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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