i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need to calm my uterus...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
