I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
