my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
