Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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