I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
do herpes really smell.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize