whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think pants incapable of making pants work
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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