i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
