Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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