I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
