Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
