so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
