everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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